Let’s face it…if you are peri-menopausal you are suffering from mood swings so vast they will clear a room faster than yelling who wants to help me wallpaper? When it comes to mood swings, ‘don’t waste em- embrace em’ is my motto. Use the following guide as a helpful introduction to the various moods you may or may not experience and some suggestions on how to make the most of them.
Teary: Pop a tear jerker in the DVD player and have at it. Some of my personal favorites are Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail, The Way We Were and God help me…Folger’s holiday coffee commercials. Add a box of tissues, your favorite pint of ice cream and enjoy a Chic Flick. Should someone enter in the middle of your tear fest and ask, “What’s wrong with you,” all you need to do is point to the television screen; fill your mouth with a spoon full of ice cream and no additional explanation will be necessary.
Sappy: Longing for days gone by? That’s okay. Spend some time reliving what was. Browse old photographs while enjoying music from back in the day. Seek out old friends or lovers on one of the social networks. Be however strongly advised that some things are best left to memory like the hair that use to exist on the head of your old high school sweet heart. If however you come across a recent photo of the high school cheer captain a good 30 to 40 pounds heavier than you remember…that’s a bonus!
Weary: Thanks to those recent episodes of insomnia, it’s easy to find yourself feeling out of strength, energy or freshness. Throw some cold water on that face and get thee to the mall pronto! Nothing works quicker than a little retail therapy to get the heart pounding and the energy soaring. Cautionary note here…AVOID the clothing racks…stick to items like lipsticks, perfumes and handbags. This mood is best remedied with one size fits ALL! Lord help the twenty something that approaches and says can I help you find your size? This will automatically send you to Witchy Mood as described below.
Momma said there would be days like this…so accept the fact and know this too shall pass. Take a time out!!! Put a big Do Not Disturb sign on the bathroom door and draw yourself a glorious hot bath complete with luxury bath salts and scented oils. Instruct all family members that the only acceptable reason for disturbing your peaceful sanctuary is the threat of fire and not just any fire…one that they couldn’t put out on their own. Failure to follow the above will almost certainly guarantee an introduction to the following mood swing.
Witchy: This is by far the worst of the mood swings. No one is safe from the wrath of the witchy peri menopausal woman. There is usually no need to provide instructions to anyone in the vicinity of said mad woman as a simple glare should send anyone who meets it high tailing in the opposite direction. This is true of family members, co-workers, neighbors and even loyal and loving pets. My personal advice is to avoid social situations which will include bubbly people as nothing makes a witchy woman witchier than the annoying happiness of another. Happy people have a tendency to want to make those around them happy and will use expressions like, “Oh Come On, Cheer Up”, putting said person at risk for a bitch slap. It is highly advisable that women experiencing the witchy stage also avoid the operation of heavy machinery, sharp objects and the internet. One well meaning email from an unsuspecting friend that ends in ‘send this on to 20 people in the next 10 minutes’ could cause a loss of a friendship as well as a void of your computer warranty and need for a drywall repairman. The safest place to be is at home where it is not only okay, but therapeutic, to be a martyr. Gripe loudly about the fact that the last you checked every member of the household had two good arms and two good legs, but amazingly can’t seem to be able to empty the dishwasher, start a load of laundry, walk the dog, empty the cat litter….( fill in the blank )…you get the picture. Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned or a woman with raging hormones.
Bitchy: Contrary to popular belief, bitchy is witchy on sedatives and nowhere near as dangerous. The peri-menopausal woman has a license to bitch! Here we are in the prime of our lives and someone has flipped a switch without our consent. Just as soon as we have accepted and embraced this magical age…the plumbing starts to go haywire. Never before have had we felt so in control of our lives while so out of control of our bodies. Be not afraid and be not alone. We needn’t suffer in silence and help is just a phone call away. The phone conversation usually starts like this…” Got Wine?” That’s about all it takes to generate a rally call to come to the aid of a friend and all the support you could possibly need to see you through this phase. Laughter is indeed the best medicine and no one administers it better than your closest girlfriends who will gladly share in the opportunity to bitch right alongside you while assuring you that you are not crazy, it is just water weight and yes it’s hot in here!
Viva la mood! BTW…got wine? It’s been one of those days.